The next morning only Kavita came. She said Auntieji had to do some last minutes shopping and will not come todayKavita: Aaj Auntieji nahi aaengi, unko kuch shopping karna hai sham ki train pakadne se pahle. (Today, Auntieji will not come. She had some work.)Me: Koi baat nahi tum aa gai ho to Auntieji ki kya jarrorat hai. (It’s ok if you are here, I don’t need Auntie.)Kavita: Main aapko woh sab service nahi de sakti jo Auntieji deti hai. (I can’t give you all those services that Auntie is used to providing.)Me: Kaun si service? Main samjha nahi. (What service, I am not sure what you mean)Kavita: Wahi jo aap kal raat ko le rahe the (The one you were enjoying last night)Me: Woh service nahi tha woh pyar tha, Auntieji mujhe apne bete ki tarah pyar karti hain, woh meri malish kar rahi thi. tumhen aati hai malish karni? Agar achhi malish karogi to main tumhen kuch achhi si gift doonga.(That was not service, that was love, Auntie loves me like a son, she was giving me a massage. You can. What of it? Given that I do not come from a religious background, that I was born and raised in a very cosmopolitan city, that I am very educated, and well-traveled, these reactions are hard to explain. Possibly my self-image was incompatible with it. It wasn’t social acceptance I needed, but self-acceptance. I could tell myself I wouldn’t do it, but deep down I knew I would succumb to my dark desires. They made me feel dirty and ashamed, but horny as well. It felt degrading and naughty, yet it fulfilled some need I didn’t know I had, some identity that had been kept secret from myself. This part was very liberating and exciting. Nonetheless, when I took out or answered an ad, I felt adrenalized, even shaking. Why did I force myself to do this? If they responded, I was excited, yet terrified. If they didn’t, I felt disappointed and discouraged, but relieved. If I accepted, I would think about it all day, with a knot in my stomach. Yet, when it came time to meet, I half felt like.
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